Hall and Oates

After letting my last creature go--the enigmatic and extremely grumpy toad--I struggled with my empty nest. I missed the excitement of rushing home to my unappreciative friend and poking bugs into her cage for her to ignore.

Because of this longing, I found myself in Nanping with Derrick, walking down a row of pet shops seeking a new friend. As we explored, my hopes of finding a new companion sunk lower and lower. The pet shops consisted almost exclusively of cage after cage of dogs and cats, a responsibility way outside my threshold of effort. But as we approached the last of the shops, a small cage rested out front full of adorable little balls of fluff. These guys:

Say hello to Hall and Oates! After failing miserably to name them myself, I pooled my smarter friends on Facebook who offered up an overwhelming number of possible names for them (Natasha and Boris, Sam and Charlie, Pinky and the Brain). I shouldn't have been so stressed because to be honest, more often than not, I end up referring to them as the Chip Chips. And when directly addressing them, I fall back on any number of expletives that strike my fancy at the time. The thing I've learned after my brief venture into chipmunk ownership is quite simply that they should not be pets. 

The Adventures of Ichabod and Mrs. Toad (Part 3) - And Then There Was One

Sorry this update is so belated! I actually forgot I wrote it. Yes, my memory is that bad.

But part 3 of the Ichabod and Mrs. Toad story is very short. I woke up one morning to find that Ichabod was missing and due to Mrs. Toad's satisfied look on her face, I'm going to assume she put aside her prejudice and decided to finally eat him. It had been a couple days since I got her any bugs so I'm not surprised to be honest.

But this made me realize that I wasn't really giving her the best life and that I might need to return Mrs. Toad to the 'wild' where she came from--aka the streets of downtown Chonginqg. I was nervous about releasing her into a district of the city that she wasn't familiar with, but she's got more savoir-faire than that dog from Oliver and Company so I had faith. I would much rather have released her into the true wild but I decided the park behind my apartment building was close enough.

The second she touched the ground, she got her bearings and then kowabunga-plunged into the bushes. Have a look:

Sir Macgregor Applebottom, esq. III

I would like to introduce you all to my new friend, Sir Macgregor Applebottom, Esq. III. No he's not a well-off expat that I met here in Chongqing. It's the name I've given to the new operating system on my MacBook. I assume he looks something like this...

It started when I got back from vacation a few weeks ago. I had left my computer at home, shut down, giving it a much deserved rest after near constant use since I arrived in China. I figured four days of no activity would be a welcomed respite from the usual gruelling pace (Oregon Trail reference for all my 90's kids) of my every day activities.

Once home, my computer turned on as normal and I began to warm it back up into the usual: internet / iTunes / Word / email course. Little did I know, my poor computer's demise was imminent. In the middle of uploading some pictures from my vacation, the poor ol' chap death-rattled, by which I mean the screen blinked bright and fast enough to nearly induce a seizure, and then never turned on again.

I'm Heated, No Seriously

So my patient friends, I would apologise for another long absence from blogging but if I did so every time I went a month without posting, well I'd be apologising a lot. And you all know me well enough to know I tend to disappear for weeks at a time and then casually reemerge from my cave as if I haven't been a hermit this whole time. I have a number of posts waiting to go up once I've included the pictures, but I would like to interrupt said schedule to tell you all one thing straight away:

IT'S HOTTER THAN HELL RIGHT NOW.

I've read quite a few Facebook posts that were all something to the effect of, Gee wiz it's hot here! Almost 90 degrees! Time to lay out in the hot summer sun! I'm loving this 'vacation weather'

To which I reply, kindly shut. your. mouth.

While you are all enjoying your 'vacation weather' or whatever you call it, this side of the world is roasting. The heat here in Chongqing right now is oppressive, it's stifling, it's relentless, it's ruthless, it's suffocating. And those are just the words I can think of without pulling out a thesaurus.

You guys, it feels like some sweaty, hairy sumo-wrestling giant has wrapped his arms around me and body slammed me straight into hell. It's like I can feel the hot, sticky breath of satan on my neck every time I leave my apartment. It's like somehow the atmosphere knows to leave a hole in the sky right above me so that solar flares can descend upon me like a fiery balrog and char my flesh. I'm not even joking. Air conditioning has become a religious experience for me and I've literally given offerings to my AC unit above my bed in the hopes that it will never turn it's back on me in this time of need.

So, go. Enjoy your 'vacation weather'. Soak in the sun. Have a hot dog. But check your meteorological privilege long enough to appreciate that some of us are not exactly appreciating this GLORIOUS season, thanks.

You guys know what I'm talking about.

The Adventures of Ichabod and Mrs. Toad (Part 2) - Great Escapes and Easy Infiltrations

Previously on Ichabod and Mrs. Toad: Mrs. Toad is swiped off the streets of Shapingba district. After a torturous cab ride in the pocket of a giant, she settles into her new pot for the night. Little does the giant know, she's already plotting her freedom. If you haven't read Part 1, you might want to go back and read that now. It sows the seeds of resentment necessary to understand Mrs. Toad's next move.

Day one, I've survived the journey to my new prison. The walls are cold and slick but the top of my cage appears to be loose. Yes, I've been rattling it for the last half an hour which for some reason upset the giant. He lifted the lid and yelled at me but I puffed up really big and flung mud everywhere until he went back to bed. Tomorrow....

The next morning, I jumped out of bed like an excited kid on Christmas and ran over to Mrs. Toad sitting on my desk. Unfortunately, I didn't know she was sleeping and if you think I'M grumpy when I get woken up unexpectedly, you haven't seen Mrs. Toad. I clearly startled her from her slumber because she immediately puffed up to almost twice her original size and let out the most high-pitched, girly croak I've ever heard. She overreacted so much, in fact, that she flipped right over onto her back and spent a solid minute trying to right herself. 

The Adventures of Ichabod and Mrs. Toad (Part 1) - First Impressions

Hello once again to my friends across the world! Sincere apologies that I haven't posted in such a long time, but this last month has been a whirlwind of traveling and work and it's been hard to keep my head above water.

"I'm not here by choice"

"This isn't a real flower?"

But! One thing that's really helped keep me sane for the last week or so are my two new roommates. Say hello to my new pet toad and....um.....beetle? I'm honestly not sure what this thing is suffice to say it's a pretty cool bug that broke into my apartment one day. The toad still does not have a real name but I've thrown around Mrs. Toad, Buffy (Bufo.....get it bio lovers?), and Guanyin after the Chinese goddess. She (I also arbitrarily decided it was a she after googling 'how to sex a toad' got really iffy really fast) is kind of cranky. I mean, to be fair, I'd be upset too if some giant picked me up off the street and decided to enslave me in a tupperware container for his pleasure.

But she's learning to love me. The same cannot be said for the bug, Ichabod, who was already in the dog house for showing up in my apartment uninvited and then announcing his presence by flying at my face only seconds after I walked in the door. I'm trying to teach him how to make better first impressions but he usually ends up just biting me when I hold him... Anyway, these two have worked their way into my daily routine now and the story of how we came to cohabitate is worth telling.

For the sake of clarity, let me start from the beginning and tell you all how I came to be in such great company...

南山植物园 （South Mountain Botanical Garden)

A few weeks ago, the weather really started turning around here in Chongqing. It had been cold and rainy, overcast all day. Not that I was complaining; the Oregonian in me wasn't at all upset with the wet gray blanket that Chongqing had turned into. 

That said, when I saw my first blue sky here in the 'Foggy City' (we all know it's the really the 'Smoggy City', c'mon), I couldn't help but smile and want to take advantage of the wonderful weather. In this spirit, our little gang decided we needed to do some sort of outdoor activity. At a suggestion from our student/friend Jerry, we settled on the South Mountain Botanical Gardens which was just outside the city. It didn't hurt that he knew exactly where it was, offered to drive us, and buy us all dinner, either. Don't think for a second that we were using him; we really like Jerry, but this was also the first time we had had an activity with one of our students outside of class, so I was interested to see how that dynamic would go.

Anyway, apparently, all of Chongqing also decided that this was the perfect time to go to the gardens because it took us something like two hours to get there with all of the traffic. I've already complained about the traffic here, so I'll try not to get into it too much. But we were on a mountain people! Outside the city! And it was bumper to bumper. Anyway, it was definitely not supposed to be that long of a drive but I'd say that it was eventually worth it to get outside of the city in the sunshine and nature. Nature is certainly something that I'm missing with living in such a big city. Even their parks lack real open space and grass to lay in and the massive buildings block out direct sunlight unless you get there exactly at noon.

This is South Mountain

That Day I Was Treated Like a Celebrity

I'm a 'foreign consultant' here in China which pretty much translates to a glorified English teacher. But one of my responsibilities is traveling with my company to recruit students to join our flight attendant training program. About a week ago, I had the experience of going on my first recruiting trip for the company that I work for. Here is the story....

Translation: You won't be abel to see your dear New Yorker today, study hard!

Everything started off normally. I was traveling with my
supervisor, Maggie, and an intern that Alexis (the other American in my office) and I named Christy because she just looked like a Christy if you know what I mean. A van arrived outside our office around 8:00am to take us, I was told, an hour north of the city to a district (county) called Hechuan. The first bump in road came about half an hour into our journey while we were still in the city proper. Traffic.

Our driver having a smoke during the traffic jam

Now, we're talking about China here people so if you're thinking, oh I've sat in frustrating traffic before, Jared. I know exactly how horrible that is. Stop. Just stop. You think bumper to bumper molasses crawl on a road is traffic? Try literally four hours of not moving. At the beginning of the trip I was having a great time just looking out the window and seeing the city go by. When we came to a stop, that activity quickly died. But I didn't realize anything was wrong until our driver decided he was going to 'go for a walk' and just left the car running in the middle of the road. So I decide to nap, when I wake up almost TWO HOURS LATER we still haven't moved and our driver is enjoying a cigarette outside. At this time I panic just a little and envision myself emerging from this van/jail with a cast-away-like beard and squinting at the first daylight I've seen in days. But I tend to overreact and after about another hour, things finally start to move. Let me tell you, after sitting there for that long, the jogging pace that our car reached felt like we were flying. Then there were other small adventures during the car ride.

The Great White Whale

Photo courtesy of Kristin Mark, check out her blog too

One of the most bizarre experiences I've had here so far is what I'd call 'foreign privilege'. Think of the old saying, "A big fish in a small pond". Although China is anything but a 'small pond', being a foreigner here makes me quite a 'big fish', a veritable white whale if you will. And they're doubly shocked when I can speak Chinese. This privilege manifests in many different ways, sometimes flatteringly, sometimes annoyingly, sometimes frustratingly, but always interestingly.

In small ways, it's an open stare in public. Sometimes I overhear people shouting "Look! A foreigner. A white guy!" and I want to turn around and use my broken Chinese to tell them, "Yes, I understand what you're saying. No I won't take a picture with you. No I won't teach you English". Often people will shout 'hello!' or 'Hollywood!' or (my favorite) 'I love you!' while they pass me on the street or in the subway. Then there are those people who unabashedly snap pictures of me right in my face, flash and all, no 'hello'. At first, it was pretty unsettling. Sure I like attention sometimes, but the constant paparazzi-like demand to interact with random people would exhaust anyone. Considering the fact that I can hardly stand being social more than two days in a row, for me it's down right overwhelming.

Aggressive Chinese Romance

Here is a short video from class last week. I did a lesson about American dating and after they learned about pick-up lines, how to approach someone, what to talk about, how to get a phone number, and how to turn someone down, we all did presentations where one person had to ask the other person out on a date in English. This was the result. These girls have some serious game. 

Home Sweet Home

I apologize for not posting in so long. I don't have a great excuse, suffice to say that things have been busy while settling in!

Life in China is finally beginning to take shape though as I establish a regular routine at work and home. After work everyday, I come home to my little apartment a few blocks away on the 28th floor and unwind with a book in my bed or TV.

Here it is!

It's one loft-style open floor plan with a kitchen and bathroom off the main room. It came pretty much furnished with a coffee table, bed frame, dresser, night stand, desk, refrigerator, and washing machine. Many of the things here are not quite the same though...


Night one was pretty rough; when we moved in there was no padding at all on the bed and I didn't realize that my 'air conditioner', as they called it, also doubled as a heater. So the first night I huddled under my covers on a pretty uncomfortable wooden frame, but I was just happy to finally be in China and it didn't damper my spirits at all.

Goodbye Portland

Well the time has come. I can hardly believe it, but in just four short days my journey to China begins. Goodbye Portland! Let's hope I don't get lost on the way...

Unfortunately, there's still a lot of important stuff that I need to get done before I go, not least of which is getting my visa. But sweet, patient Maria at the visa office told me yesterday "Jared, it's still going to get there on the 6th, you don't need to call every day, I'll let you know if something changes, I'm going back to work now". Thanks Maria. So it better arrive on the 6th because my flight is in the early afternoon on the 7th and after trying to go to China for years, waiting an extra day might just give me aneurysm.

Still, I have a long way to go (in every sense of the word) before I get there. The first leg of my journey is an 11 hour flight from Portland to Tokyo. I then have a 5 hour flight to Beijing with a 9 hour layover before a 3 hour flight to Chongqing. In total, the trip should take about 29 hours and I will travel over 7,000 miles.

Honestly, the scope of this journey and transition hasn't fully sunk in. I've been away from home and family before and I do well on my own (I'm talking to you mom). I've been to foreign countries for periods of time too but this is just all on a much larger scale...as everything is in China. Chongqing is one of China's four direct-controlled municipalities, which from my research basically means that the city got so big and important they had to let them look after themselves. With almost 30,000,000 people and 32,000 sq. miles I'd say they deserve that right. For comparison, New York City has just over 8,000,000 people and is 468 sq. miles. There's a 16hr time difference between the West Coast and China which interestingly enough has only one time zone for the whole country....haven't figured out how they're getting away with that yet. They speak Sichuanese which is technically related to Mandarin but apparently not mutually intelligible so my Chinese major was all for naught I guess..thanks Rochester. Honestly, most people know Mandarin anyway so I should be able to feed myself and get around no problem.

But for some reason, all these challenges aren't freaking me out, they're making me excited. Love my family but living at home has been a bit.....un-stimulating so I'm excited for a drastic change of pace. I'm excited for the potential friends and adventures and skills that I'll gain from taking on a challenge like this. Plus, it's all coinciding with Chinese New Year which just seems appropriate.

So I'm not quite leaving yet but the adventure has definitely already begun. My next post will probably come from China assuming I can negotiate China's firewall, but I'll update as soon as possible.